Breauna

starving4attn @ 2008-02-29T18:50:00

2008-02-29T23:53:09Z

So I've actually been pretty sick lately. Last weekend I went to my friend's dorm to party and we got drunk and ate pizza. To hell with my diet, I realized.
Then I got sick. It must've been food poisoning or the flu, because I couldn't stop vomiting. Then I got a sinus infection when that went away. Just yesterday I started feeling better and began eating normally again (normally being burger king for breakfast, fetuccine alfredo for lunch, and something else wonderful for dinner). My skinny jeans don't really hurt when I wear them anymore, but I know that eating like I did today and yesterday will make them hurt again soon. I guess since I already ate dinner tonight I will have to start my diet again tomorrow.

But in all of this, I've learned something. I love watermelon.

starving4attn @ 2008-02-21T00:10:00

2008-02-21T05:10:56Z

Hey guys, I know I just posted but I wanted to know what songs you guys know of that talk about, you know, weight loss, eating disorders, anything. All I know of so far is Silverchair-ana's Song, and Lisa Loeb-she's falling apart. But I listen to music all day and would like some little reminders.

starving4attn @ 2008-02-20T23:50:00

2008-02-21T04:58:49Z

Today was really shitty. I overslept so I had to book it to get to school, then when I got home I just kind of passed out in bed. I guess it's not so bad, because I didn't eat anything, I just generally felt completely exhausted. I ate a ton yesterday that I wrote about, but then pretty much nothing today (my brother brought me a green tea when he came home from working at the store he works at). I also got a charley horse in my leg. I've been having lots of muscles spasms in my legs. I have been taking little walks around campus, not many, just like 15 minutes each day, tops, but I also haven't really been eating much (chicken parmesian, I'm sure, has no nutrients to supply my muscles, lol) so I got this charley horse while I was sleeping and woke up screaming...this used to happen a lot when I was a kid, but lately it hasn't, so it took me by surprise, and my brother also heard it, and when I had walked it off, he insisted I eat a banana. I was starving anyway, so I didn't fight him. I should've. But it was good that he saw me slumping around acting all sick, because I slept through dinner, too, and I'm sure he told my parents I was feeling bad so don't bother to wake me up for dinner. That was helpful, but I'm sure I won't be able to do that much more.
So I had the green tea, it was actually the diet citrus one, and then the banana.

So tomorrow will be another test of willpower. YES! Let's go. I can do this. I did a day and a half my first fast, so tomorrow I will start a full 2 days of from "the minute I wake up" to "the minute I go to bed." I just had to set rules for myself because I know my fat ass will be like, "oh, it's midnight! new day! I can eat!" I suck sometimes, seriously. but there, there's a rule for me, so now I can't "fat-logic" my way out of this fast! :)

You guys are all doing really well in your diets, and I love you dearly for commenting! Sometimes I feel like giving in but then I get some support and it saves me :)

that dress is awesome, and the model is amazing!

starving4attn @ 2008-02-19T23:41:00

2008-02-20T04:50:05Z

Alright, day 2 didn't go so well. It started out fine and I didn't feel the need to document every waking moment, as you can see from my lack of that type of entry today. I made a few periodic notes, such as the persistent hunger and heartburn, and the fact that even though I was drinking tons of water, I was a little thirstier than usual. I was a bit hungrier today in the evening and seriously must have passed at least 92138471 McDonald's and Little Caesar's on the way home (PS Little Caesar's crazy bread with the garlic butter sauce is my absolute fucking FAVORITE) but resisted. The final straw came when my mom insisted on "leaving a little dinner out for me" and bringing it into my room. She set it down on my nightstand and I could smell it. It was chicken parmesian. How the hell do you resist that? I even told her when I got home that I'd gotten McDonald's on the way home because I was at school late and got really hungry. She still brought in food. I wish I could just tell her, "hey, don't give me food, cook, or even generally mention it to me, because I'm on a strict zero-tolerance policy right now," but of course, she's a parent, and she would flip out.
So my fast was a total of about a day and a half. Yesterday and today until about 8pm. Then I had my chicken parmesian and got heartburn and felt sick. It's now almost 4 hours later and my stomach STILL hurts. I don't know what's goin on. and I got diarrhoea tonight. ew. So now I've been catching up on past LJ, because I have a bunch of wonderful LJ friends now and I already love you all dearly. :)

I think that tomorrow I will think of these girls, and every time my stomach growls or shows general dissatisfaction, I will ask it when it will be ready to be as bare as these tummies are:

(just googled cheerleader skinny)

How did everyone do today?

I knew the first day would be tougher, so I kept a journal

2008-02-19T03:47:33Z

Today I wore my skinny jeans so that I wouldn't forget that I'm on a mission to lose weight. I also made it a goal to drink a shiteload of water. I knew it was going to be really hard because it was my first day, and I have tried this before, and then given in and binged, and said, "I'll just start tomorrow instead," and done the same thing. Today I kept a notebook with me all day to write down how I felt.
8:01 AM-----My stomach hurts. It's not hunger pains, though. It's not hunger pains, though. It's from my jeans being too small. When they go through the laundry, they shrink. And I'm a little hungry.
9:00 AM-----Jeans still hurt. Almost through my first liter of water and I just took a caffeine pill. Also, the girl at the gas station said this particular brand of pills kills your apetite. I bought them for the caffeine but can you say perk?
11:00 AM---Every few minutes I get a hunger pain, but it is easy to drown it with water. I hate these fucking jeans. I've had a dream every few nights in the past week about making out with some random guy. The only one I remembered was this guy Patrick in one of my classes. Well...these dreams will stay dreams unless I do something about it. There's reason two for my diet: dreams! Reason one was my jeans.
11:11 AM---My muscles are really sore. I don't think it involves my lack of nutrients-it hasn't been very long without food yet, just 12 hours-but rather my lack of water.
11:19 AM---And my jeans are pushing on my fat again.
11:28 AM---Body says it's time to eat but not really hungry. 2 sips away from finishing my 2nd liter of water.
11:36 AM---Maybe my sore muscles are sore because I slept so little and so uncomfortably last night. A burp and a little heartburn. Good, I'm set for a while, the burp is convincing.
2:14 PM----Not hungry. Water's drinking slow cause I've got heartburn. My pants hurt.
2:20 PM----Practicing piano and I'm seriously considering unbuttoning my pants. So now it's jeans crushing me or hunger pains. The lesser of the two evils is the hunger.
2:32 PM----Feeling some more intense and constant hunger pains, so I just took another caffeine pill. But all the water feels like it's drowning me.
3:37 PM----The heartburn and hunger are getting terrible.
7:24 PM----The pain on my stomach is pretty much unnoticeable now: it's either gone, which seems totally unlikely, or it's just become constant. Pretty sure that's the one. However, in my stomach is the same old story. I'm alternating back and forth between hunger and heartburn again. I left my water bottle in the car. I did not weigh myself yesterday or this morning. And I just spontaneously decided to refrain from scale activity, period. Real results are visible, not hidden in a scale. Nobody will notice that I weigh less. What they'll notice is that I am visibly smaller. I stared at myself in the mirror for a few minutes today - each minute on separate occasions, though - and it helped. I have realized that other people see me as no less than a gigantic monster, and have no reason to ever look much further than my hideous exterior. To those people who have, I owe extensive series of gratitude, for somehow blinding themselves of my scariness. I look around at these girls Niki and Trisha, who go to my school, and they are both overweight, also. Obese, also. Neither of them as much as me, but still gross. Niki has this adorable personality which I just can't quite pull off, although sometimes (aka daily) she is a total bitch. Trisha has two settings also: dull and creepy. She speaks in a monotonous voice, never has a fight-worthy opinion, and is generally creepy. Sometimes I lie to myself and assume that my personality is the combination of Niki's bubbly personality and Trisha's mellowness. Either way, when I look at the two of them, I am completely uninterested in what they have to say, so I know others must feel the same about me. I just want the hippie life. I want the peace and the chill and the love and kindness. Sometimes I just get really upset that my ideal life and ideal general personality are hindered by my appearance. All I wanna do is hang out, get high, and sing along with all the awesome music of the world. When I talk to the hot guys everywhere, I get jealous of Future Me and how easy it is for her to just jump any hot guy she wants to fuck. At this rate, my first will be a guy with a fat fetish. I don't want him. I want a Jude Law or a Johnny Depp. A hot guy. Hey, Future Me, why didn't you tell me how long this would seem? I've been on this stupid diet since 6am and it's almost 8pm now. That's only 14 hours, FM! And I still don't feel beautiful yet! Okay, a little tiny bit. On a scale of 1-100, 1 being Carrot Top, no, scratch that, Steve Buscemi, and 100 being Hilary Duff, I feel like a 3. Because at least I'm clean and have done nothing today to contribute to my fat ass. Today I did accomplish something. Well, two things: tested my willpower (PS: I aced) and forced my body into weight-loss mode.
8:48 PM----I just went to the bathroom and had trouble buttoning up my jeans. STILL. Here's a list of all the yummy foods I said no to today: Famous Amos cookies, a honey bun, chex mix, 3 musketeers, popcorn, M&Ms, twix, cheez-its, pretzels, chips, Cheetos, texas Hash, fettucine alfredo, strawberries, and, most importantly, McDONALD's. My brother and I drive together, and he wanted to get McDonald's on the way home, and he did, but I had to resist the HUGEST urge to eat it. I will say that that was my biggest milestone today. Not even kidding, a fat person resisting McDonald's? Seriously. MILESTONE.
10:43 PM---I just typed up all the stuff I wrote down all day. I ate nothing all day and drank at least 3 liters of water. I know I need to drink more. Then I came home and rewarded myself with a diet coke. I know, it's terrible, but when I get myself into this diet a little better, I will stop with the diet coke. Right now it's just helping ease the pain of not relying on food. I am actually very proud of myself for today, and like I wrote earlier, I have decided not to weigh myself. Most of the rules I've made for myself are because of past mistakes, which are:

-Weighing myself daily to see if it's working
-Eating just one meal a day (my brother gave me this shitty tip)
-Eating all fruits and veggies
-Binging and purging for a day

I think that by getting myself past this first day, I have already climbed a huge pillar of success. The first day was always the hardest, and to be honest, I don't know how many times I have honestly gotten through a day without eating at all. Isn't that terrible?

starving4attn @ 2008-02-17T23:13:00

2008-02-18T04:26:50Z

I'm starting out brand new right now. I am not thinking of myself as a 2-million pound woman, but as a 1-million pound woman in progress.
Obviously the numbers are not real. But the real numbers are too horrifying to put on the internet.
I need some help. I have tried working out and eating less and I can't keep them up long enough, because I always cut corners and tell myself, "it's okay, you can eat this today...just don't eat much tomorrow," then I say the same thing the next day. So tonight I begin the extreme. I know that I will slip up, but as I go further into my diet, I will get stronger willpower. It is ALL about the willpower for me.

You may notice I've added you as a friend with no explanation. This is because you have stood out in these weight loss communities and I think we could help each other. Help me and I'll help you?